I feel as though I have suffered on so many levels:
-The first week of January I began to experience low back pain, being the optimist that I am I naturally figured it would sort itself out. It did not, it progressively worsened and by the 3rd week of January my left leg became useless as my sciatic nerve morphed into a spasmatic nuisance. I continued working under the presumption that it would work itself out. I could no longer put my socks on, I would wake up my wife to help me get dressed before work every morning. Some mornings the pain would be so bad I would lay on the floor and cry. Sleep was minimal, sitting was impossible and every shift of position sent a screaming pain down my leg with 30 seconds of spasms. I went to work every day under the thought that this would pass shortly, all the while receiving chiropractic care. Finally one morning (February 26th) I went into emergency after a sleepless night and waking up unsure if I could even get to the car and to emergency. This was a saturday (also my last day of work), monday I went to my Doctor who arraigned an MRI and gave me an IBUPROFEN prescription. The MRI showed a herniated disc lodged against my nerve. I saw a neurosurgeon two weeks later who prescribed me Vicodin. I am strongly opposed to narcotic medicine but the pain was so severe I crumbled into a desire for anything that would relieve my misery. Long story short I eventually had back surgery on April 20th. By the time I had the surgery I was taking three vicodin every 4-6 hours to get some relief. In this time I felt like a miserable dad (we have 4 kids under 4 at this time) and husband as I was virtually a mass to be cared for within my home. After the surgery my pain was gone but replace with the pain from the surgery. I immediately stopped taking the vicodins and suffered withdraw for about a week. During this time I could not sleep longer than three hours and my mood's were awful. I also could not hardly move, (I didn't realize how crucial the low back is when it comes to movement) due to pain. Slow recovery but by the third week I started feeling ok. As of June 25th I am still not pain-free but I am much more mobile and live with more of an discomfort than a searing pain.
-I stopped working February 26th, at this time I went onto disability insurance and trusted God to be the provision for my family. I recognize that I am not the provider, God chooses to use my employment as the vessel for our provision. Disability pay quickly dropped to 70% of my normal pay, and is now at 60%. Tight would be a good descriptive word for the budgeting.
-About the second week of January I contracted bronchitis. I coughed continuously for four weeks. Night and day, and every time I coughed my back would shoot pain. Not a great add on to the already persistent problem.
-Year to date our van has had two fairly major problems requiring time, effort and money to fix. Currently a rubber band ensures the ability to shift out of park.
-Also God arraigned many difficult people into my path during this time requiring an extra exertion of love to be displayed in the middle of my darkest hour. Funny how He does that.
In all of this my prayer was, "God keep my heart in you" I was longing for Him to bring me through this time of trials but more than that desperately asking Him not to waste what I was enduring. He seemed to be testing my resolve to love Him in whatever season I was facing. He has been testing me with fire to see what really stands. A verse that has really struck me recently is:
When Christ who is our life appears, then you will also appear with Him in glory.
Colossians 3:4
When the fire comes to separate the chaff from the wheat all that will remain in my life is that which I have buried in Christ. I can only learn to bury myself in Christ in difficult times, in the times when I have nothing else going for me. Wealth, notoriety and all manner of worldly recognition of success only promotes the carnal nature in me to become independent instead of leaning on my Beloved. For this reason, I keep asking that Christ would display His greatness through my praise in physical torment. The eternal joy is from the encounter of Light on the inside, not from the gain of physical splendor around me. My prayer has been and will continue to be "God grind me into the ground that I might become like you." Worldly success can only divert this goal, I know that pain produces Christ in ways nothing else can. Considering trials as joy means we recognize the eternal value of afflictions. I want to live with constant affliction, that I would always have a Jacob limp, or some other means of discomfort that forces me to press in daily. I know the weakness of my own flesh and apart from my flesh living in some form of torment I would surely not need God at the level I desire. I need God to keep my physical foundation shaken so I must lean into Him.
We are well financially and I am returning to work shortly. Please don't interpret this as a request for help, I only wish to share my suffering so that others may take heart when they suffer loss. God's greatest plan for us is that we would become molded into the bride His Son deserves. I want to send that desire right back to Him. Whatever it takes Lord, make me a man after your own heart.
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