Learning How To Be Pruned

  This year has been a year of trials, a year of feeling the fire of the Potter working in me a deeper level of commitment and love. A year of pruning, as we know in John 15 those whom the Father loves He prunes. And the only way to bear more fruit is through the pain of the pruning process, through the suffering or loss of many things we hold dear.

I feel as though I have suffered on so many levels: 

  -The first week of January I began to experience low back pain, being the optimist that I am I naturally figured it would sort itself out. It did not, it progressively worsened and by the 3rd week of January my left leg became useless as my sciatic nerve morphed into a spasmatic nuisance. I continued working under the presumption that it would work itself out. I could no longer put my socks on, I would wake up my wife to help me get dressed before work every morning. Some mornings the pain would be so bad I would lay on the floor and cry. Sleep was minimal, sitting was impossible and every shift of position sent a screaming pain down my leg with 30 seconds of spasms. I went to work every day under the thought that this would pass shortly, all the while receiving chiropractic care. Finally one morning (February 26th) I went into emergency after a sleepless night and waking up unsure if I could even get to the car and to emergency. This was a saturday (also my last day of work), monday I went to my Doctor who arraigned an MRI and gave me an IBUPROFEN prescription. The MRI showed a herniated disc lodged against my nerve. I saw a neurosurgeon two weeks later who prescribed me Vicodin. I am strongly opposed to narcotic medicine but the pain was so severe I crumbled into a desire for anything that would relieve my misery.  Long story short I eventually had back surgery on April 20th. By the time I had the surgery I was taking three vicodin every 4-6 hours to get some relief. In this time I felt like a miserable dad (we have 4 kids under 4 at this time) and husband as I was virtually a mass to be cared for within my home. After the surgery my pain was gone but replace with the pain from the surgery. I immediately stopped taking the vicodins and suffered withdraw for about a week. During this time I could not sleep longer than three hours and my mood's were awful. I also could not hardly move, (I didn't realize how crucial the low back is when it comes to movement) due to pain. Slow recovery but by the third week I started feeling ok. As of June 25th I am still not pain-free but I am much more mobile and live with more of an discomfort than a searing pain.

  -I stopped working February 26th, at this time I went onto disability insurance and trusted God to be the provision for my family. I recognize that I am not the provider, God chooses to use my employment as the vessel for our provision. Disability pay quickly dropped to 70% of my normal pay, and is now at 60%. Tight would be a good descriptive word for the budgeting. 

  -About the second week of January I contracted bronchitis. I coughed continuously for four weeks. Night and day, and every time I coughed my back would shoot pain. Not a great add on to the already persistent problem.

  -Year to date our van has had two fairly major problems requiring time, effort and money to fix. Currently a rubber band ensures the ability to shift out of park. 

  -Also God arraigned many difficult people into my path during this time requiring an extra exertion of love to be displayed in the middle of my darkest hour. Funny how He does that.

  In all of this my prayer was, "God keep my heart in you" I was longing for Him to bring me through this time of trials but more than that desperately asking Him not to waste what I was enduring. He seemed to be testing my resolve to love Him in whatever season I was facing. He has been testing me with fire to see what really stands. A verse that has really struck me recently is:

When Christ who is our life appears, then you will also appear with Him in glory.

Colossians 3:4

  When the fire comes to separate the chaff from the wheat all that will remain in my life is that which I have buried in Christ. I can only learn to bury myself in Christ in difficult times, in the times when I have nothing else going for me. Wealth, notoriety and all manner of worldly recognition of success only promotes the carnal nature in me to become independent instead of leaning on my Beloved. For this reason, I keep asking that Christ would display His greatness through my praise in physical torment. The eternal joy is from the encounter of Light on the inside, not from the gain of physical splendor around me. My prayer has been and will continue to be "God grind me into the ground that I might become like you." Worldly success can only divert this goal, I know that pain produces Christ in ways nothing else can. Considering trials as joy means we recognize the eternal value of afflictions. I want to live with constant affliction, that I would always have a Jacob limp, or some other means of discomfort that forces me to press in daily. I know the weakness of my own flesh and apart from my flesh living in some form of torment I would surely not need God at the level I desire. I need God to keep my physical foundation shaken so I must lean into Him.

  We are well financially and I am returning to work shortly. Please don't interpret this as a request for help, I only wish to share my suffering so that others may take heart when they suffer loss. God's greatest plan for us is that we would become molded into the bride His Son deserves. I want to send that desire right back to Him. Whatever it takes Lord, make me a man after your own heart.

  

  

Issue of Consumption; Loving God on Purpose

  A causal approach to my relationship with God leaves me comfortable, once I have settled into comfort a self righteousness arises, and all manner of spiritual apathy. The first warning to know I have wandered from a correct position is a loss of spiritual appetite. As God is inexhaustibly pleasurable, encountering Him ravishes the heart and leaves us longing for more. To encounter Him is to live in want, a constant hunger for more. We crave food naturally, the longing to consume isn't bad, we were made to consume, but the object of consumption determines the outcome of our fruit, eternity, calling and families.

  One of the first things God addressed in my life once I decided to live for Him was the object (or objects) of my consumption. He made me keenly aware of what my heart was attached to due to my intentionally indulgence. I had a habit of calling things I was consumed with my ministry, or saying I could love God in everything. (Which is absolutely true) But in my case the Holy Spirit highlighted that my motives for all of my activities and entertainment was based in a desire to find enjoyment apart from Him. I had made my life so busy doing things in the name of Him that I didn't commune with Him in an ever growing depth. I found that I could no longer justify hours of fun filled events saying "I am ministering to the people here" when I truly just wanted to have a good time. And in the end I never actually spoke about Jesus, making character just another form of works. There is one gospel, the gospel of Jesus, my good character isn't even close to the gospel. My character cannot change hearts, the heart maker needs introduction to truly impact people. We live the gospel so that our testimony is valid. What God was calling me into was a season of radical re-orientation of the heart. To truly live for "one thing," and abolish every other lover that was hindering true love. The pain of withdrawing from worldly relationships and events and focusing in on Jesus is hard, but the reward is so good. I long to live Kingdom minded and not culturally or even Christian minded.

 What we consume becomes evident by our likes and dislikes. Consumption of Jesus always leads to love for God and others. When we fill up on Him continually He consumes us, we can't stop talking about Him, daydreaming about Him and finding joy in the relationship with Him. It's the endless fountain of eating and drinking pleasure forever. We will converse and pursue that which we love. What I have come to realize is that my desires will eventually lead me into continual consumption of something, but what will it be? And what I desire will overrun my life, so the issue of becoming filled with the Spirit is critical because I will be filled with something.

"It is not a matter of time but desire, you will make time for what you want to do."
 - David Wilkerson

 The spiritual disciplines are not necessarily reading the Bible and praying, however it is extremely important to do this daily, it is working every day to keep our first love in first place. It is fighting to consume Him in everything so to love Him more. A spiritual discipline to me means there is a bedrock in my heart that keeps me coming back to loving Jesus, and I will fight to keep it that way.

  I have found this fight to keep loving and keeping my heart tender towards Him requires that I intentionally encounter Him on a daily basis. A determination that no matter what I will take even a few moments out of my day to sit before Him and ask for Him to light the fire again. To ask Him to burn in me, consuming me. I am finding that more and more it is less of a casual relationship and more of a diligent searching continually. As in any relationship, to keep the fire of loving burning and the communication lines open requires constant work. Coming back to Him may seem awkward to have that first conversation again, but He so longs for it.

Constantly Returning to our First Love

  As I continue this journey of fighting to abide, contending to live in communion with God, I am finding that love for God must be evaluated and prioritized daily. I find that I must live in constant tension with the things around me to maintain the burning heart that continually says yes to God. True love is a condition of the heart, not actions, not poetic language. It is the desire inside that motivates our thoughts, actions, emotions and the priorities of life. What we love can be found in our daydreams, our spending, where our time goes and what we do points others to.

  The way we operate and organize our lifestyle is just the tell of what dwells inside. Billy Graham made this statement "Give me five minutes with a persons checkbook and I will tell you where their heart is." Jesus says "Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." So, even as simple as the topic of our conversation reveals what enthralls us. The consistent action or manner of speech points to the condition of the heart. I in no way feel that individual events reveal hearts, as we all fall, but time reveals as the heart continually makes its way through the flesh.

  When God first woke my heart to love I longed to fill my time talking to Him and of Him. What I found is that I no longer felt like I fit in with people as I longed to converse on the things of God. Not that other people are anything less than me, I just knew what God was calling me to in the context of relationship. His love for me didn't increase because I was filling up on Him, but His presence and my awareness of His Spirit increased. We cannot do anything that increases or decreases His love for us. Contending for Him to have preeminence in our lives positions us to receive Him in greater measure.

  We motivate the people we contact whether we think so or not. Our interactions with others impacts what they like and how they feel. What we inspire others into is a good test of what we are inspired into. We are either a friend of the bridegroom, leading people to love Christ, or we are a friend of the world, pointing people to love the things of this world. Everyone lives with a degree of influence and we need to recognize that we are directing our circles into something, what will it be?

  Loving God for me has put my flesh on edge, and I continually have to fight my flesh to increase the love relationship. (Not that I do it in perfection but I have decided to go hard after it.) The first things God called me to was chastising my heart to align my loves rightly. I had to withdraw from things that God was revealing as other lovers (idols) in my life. (For me it was sports, television, and entertainment based events) It was painful but I learned obedience through what I suffered. And I am now finding that this is a journey that will not be completed this side of glory. Daily I choose what will receive the primary affections of my heart. Here are some evaluations I use on myself.

Will I live to dwell in Him?
Will He be the supplement to my fun filled lifestyle?
Do I want to love Him in all things, or just what I choose?
Will my love for Jesus be drown out by a lazy approach?
Can I destroy idols as God reveals them?

  The primary way to increase love for Jesus is through prayer. Asking Him to fill us with love. (Romans 5:5) Absent of prayer we are legalistic and grow in religious pride. I am not trying to obtain a code of conduct, but trying with all my might to choose things that speak love to God. We know what He loves, when we push into those things it speaks love to Him.

Be encouraged, His desire is to have you all to Himself. It is a desire that is stronger than death, stronger than your weakness and sin. It's a war of inches, fight for the inches in your life, and never stop fighting.